Wednesday, January 29, 2014


The feeling keeps coming back. Despite my efforts to "build a new me" rather than go back to the days of old. For some reason I'm still struggling. Some days things feel like it's getting easier, but there are other days where even menial tasks feel difficult and unrewarding. It's almost as if my mind is suddenly geared towards efficiency, but my body is just not receptive. And because of that, I feel discouraged from doing the simplest of things in a timely manner. When these things aren't completed I feel sudden dread. Irresponsible, and fairly worthless. I'm realising more and more how complicated emotions can be. That there are no simple answers (or perhaps there is and I've made everything some sort of intricate puzzle for absolutely no reason), and it's still hard to figure out what makes me feel bad, or what I lack because I feel bad. I think bad is also a very loose term. Sometimes I feel dreadful, but I just can't always say this, in fact I don't think I've said that to anyone, or even yet still, if I had, I may have sad it when I wasn't feeling this particular kind of dreadfulness. Sometimes I feel slightly sad; this is when I perhaps wish things were as they were maybe? Or that things are slightly out of reach and control. Sometimes I feel anxious. Not knowing what to do, when to do it, should I be doing this or that. There's this great mix. A tank of these piranhas, some large, some small, and they nip and bite and swim around. Sometimes they swim away but perhaps they will be hungry again later. I may be making it sound slightly more dramatic than how it really is.

I'm not thinking that I should never feel these things. I think its healthy and almost even necessary to feel these things. But sometimes the wave is so massive, it clouds everything. I can't see anything else beyond it, and any sand castles I had built beforehand have now melted away  When I'm suddenly free of this gripping and crippling feeling, I'm quite happy to go about my business, ready to rebuild and look at life in some other quadrillionth "new perspective". I seem to keep tricking myself. Thinking I've defeated the beast. Perhaps what I need to do now is just realise what I feel will never ever go away. 

For the rest of eternity I will feel like this.

I don't want to though  Just thinking I might be stuck like this is enough to call it quits. Maybe if I can face the music I can stop fooling myself and just accept this thing as the default, and that feeling otherwise is just an occurrence. Maybe feeling this way is normal, and the other is the exception.

I don't know. I don't even know who I'm talking to. My self I guess.

What's that saying. Fake it till you make it?

Does that work for feelings too?

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