Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A bit has been going on in my life recently.
To put it frankly, I finally saw photos of my actual father, and spoke to him on the phone about a week ago.
It was very strange. We talked without hesitaion, and spoke for about an hour and a half on the phone.
For those of you who don't know me very well at all, if you care to know; I never knew my father personally. Knew barely anything of him to begin with. My mother had no photo, or anything from him. Only his name. There were some complications between him and my mother when I was concived. Not anything bad, but they both wanted different. So they parted ways.
And for the longest time, I always watched these movies and things, where these kids are without fathers, and how they resented them/ felt a loss for them not being there. I never understood that. He was never apart of my life. He wasn't really even an entitiy to me, being that I had only a name. He could be anyone. It never bothered me in the slightest that he was gone (and even saying that everytime, there was still a ver very niche sorty of doubt in my mind as to how true that was). I couldn't understand how they could hate someone so much without giving them a chance to understand their side of the story and why things turned out the way they were. I was always trying to be forgiving and sympathetic, even to fictional situations. I always said to myself "I'd never be like that. I'd always give them a chance."
That was until my mother actually managed to contact my father. I was reading a thread on a forum I frequent not to long ago about looking people up and finding them, and of course I was like "hmm, should try that again". I've tried sevral times before to no avail, only getting dead end phone numbers and thats about it. This time I thought "by now, everyone is on facebook" and lo and behold, there was a small photo of a privatised profile. The face was just as mine.and I was positive it was him.
I reached my mother and showed her and asked if that was him. She said it did look very much like him and that she'd leave him a message. So we did. And we waited...and waited for a while and nothing happened. I thought perhaps hes got a very different life now, and that bringing skeletons from the closet was not a good idea for him at the moment. Which I was fine with. It could have possibly not been him to begin with.
Fast foward a few months later and the house phone rings and I pick it up. It was my mother. "I've been trying to reach you all day!" She then explained that it was him on facebook, and that she added him, and they spoke briefly. The only thing i could repeat was "oh. wow. thats weird" and spread them quite thinly.
We kept in contact with each other the next few days and she told me about what he was talking about with her and showed me photos and explained more. And it wasn't until that moment when I started to understand why people felt unsettled with detached fathers.
It felt like he didn't even fign the slightest intrest in me. He didn't ask my mother anything about me. It was as if he had virtually no care in the world what so ever about my well being or existance. And on top of that I found out about his painting abilities and intrests as well and more and more I felt as if I wasn't my own unique being anymore.
I felt like my face wasn't my own face. That it wasn't unique to only myself. It was just a mash up between my mother's and my father's. And that all my intrest in art and painting and illustrating wasn't of my own desity, but that i was genetically predisposed to want to paint and draw. I started to feel like all these things that made "me" me was being snatched away and that I was just another human clone. Something like that. And to top it off, his lack of intrest and being more into what seemed like hooking up with my mother again, had worn on me. The only way I could settle that feeling of distress and if I may "abandonment" was if I told myself "It shouldn't be a surprize, he didn't care to begin with so why should he care now?"
The anger of him actually being there now, but still not really being there was begining to bottle up and only too soon did my mother arrange a date for us to speak together on the phone. I was initially what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to him on the phone only because we couldn't do it face to face. I didn't want to start our relationship, if we were to have one, on facebook. But as more timed pass durring the week i was beginign to be afraid I might start off on a bad note. That I might try to call him out on his "mistakes" or whatever, or be brash and harsh. I didn't want to be like those people on TV. I genuinely wanted to give him a chance, but I continuted to get more andgry and confused at his seemingly blase attituted towards the whole ordeal with the way he spoke to my mother. I was soon to be proven wrong.
We spoke last sunday at almost exactly a week ago to the hour. And it went fantastically well. I was a bit shaken at first, but he started with the questions and it went from there. We both have insanely similar intrests and, well there is alot more to be learned. He's quite funny and I can almost see the charm that perhaps captured my mother when they were in their youth. I'm possibly going to meet him in person for the first time after 22 years after this coming Christmas.
I w3sa supposed to be speaking to him today, hwoever I had very little time this week to get in touch with my mother to arrange a time. I should probably apologize for my lack of effort, but busy times leave me with little time for pleasure.
Ive been working full time the past 3 weeks and probably for the next three, which is why I havn't drawn anything for ages and ages and not been updating. Anyway. I do have photos and things of Tom and I going to the park with D that I'll share next time.
For now though, I should start getting ready for another week of work, enjoying the small things, and making effort in finishing the things I've started.
OH! And the picture up top, is also apart of the story I mentioned in my previous post. He will be replacing asakati and is a doll. I think his name will be Fabriqué En Italie.
À bientôt, mon toute beauté personnes
at 11:59 AM