Trying

The feeling keeps coming back. Despite my efforts to "build a new me" rather than go back to the days of old. For some reason I'm still struggling. Some days things feel like it's getting easier, but there are other days where even menial tasks feel difficult and unrewarding. It's almost as if my mind is suddenly geared towards efficiency, but my body is just not receptive. And because of that, I feel discouraged from doing the simplest of things in a timely manner. When these things aren't completed I feel sudden dread. Irresponsible, and fairly worthless. I'm realising more and more how complicated emotions can be. That there are no simple answers (or perhaps there is and I've made everything some sort of intricate puzzle for absolutely no reason), and it's still hard to figure out what makes me feel bad, or what I lack because I feel bad. I think bad is also a very loose term. Sometimes I feel dreadful, but I just can't always say this, in fact I don't think I've said that to anyone, or even yet still, if I had, I may have sad it when I wasn't feeling this particular kind of dreadfulness. Sometimes I feel slightly sad; this is when I perhaps wish things were as they were maybe? Or that things are slightly out of reach and control. Sometimes I feel anxious. Not knowing what to do, when to do it, should I be doing this or that. There's this great mix. A tank of these piranhas, some large, some small, and they nip and bite and swim around. Sometimes they swim away but perhaps they will be hungry again later. I may be making it sound slightly more dramatic than how it really is.

I'm not thinking that I should never feel these things. I think its healthy and almost even necessary to feel these things. But sometimes the wave is so massive, it clouds everything. I can't see anything else beyond it, and any sand castles I had built beforehand have now melted away  When I'm suddenly free of this gripping and crippling feeling, I'm quite happy to go about my business, ready to rebuild and look at life in some other quadrillionth "new perspective". I seem to keep tricking myself. Thinking I've defeated the beast. Perhaps what I need to do now is just realise what I feel will never ever go away. 

For the rest of eternity I will feel like this.

Constantly.

I don't want to though  Just thinking I might be stuck like this is enough to call it quits. Maybe if I can face the music I can stop fooling myself and just accept this thing as the default, and that feeling otherwise is just an occurrence. Maybe feeling this way is normal, and the other is the exception.

I don't know. I don't even know who I'm talking to. My self I guess.

What's that saying. Fake it till you make it?

Does that work for feelings too?

Convoluted

I've been commissioned for two pencil works, and the commissioner said I could do whatever I wished. I haven't drawn mermaids for about 12 years (as far as I remember). I've been wanting to draw one for ages now, and I finally had my chance. It was very strange. A lot of memories from my adolescent and pre-teen years has resurfaced. 

We watched Star Trek Voyager again today. At the end of the episode Kess says to Tuvok about how does she go back to "normal" and make what had happened to her seem like it never happened. Tuvok said she can't. That she would only adapt to her new self and that she is now changed forever and that all she could change now is her future.. That struck a chord. A lot of this blog I've been writing about how I want to get back to my old self. I've never really thought about building up a new self. 

The idea is eerily exciting and enchanting all the same.

The 52 of 2014

I'm a bit late writing here, but it's been a bit busy (my usual excuse). I've started an art study group. Named it "52 of 2014" or just "The52" for short. Basically, I'm making up tasks each week, and people do the task within the week and the ycan submit their work. I'm hoping groups of friend will do this together this way they can discuss and learn. I'm not really any kind of academic artist. I haven't been trained classically, so I'm mainly doing this for myself so that I am sure to push myself each week and learn the various areas of what can and will make my work better, make me work more proficiently, and express with a bit more clarity.

You can see the tumblr here:

www.the5-2.tumblr.com

I'm still fixing it up and trying to get all the kinks out of the whole thing but, I've started it sort of on a whim and haven't really had time to sit down and plan it out completely (I think I do this with most things in life). Anyway, the first task I had set out for everyone was to make a picture using only this pallet

depicting either sadness, uneasyness, or despair. Of course I misspelled despair and wrote "dispair", but I literally made everything up in about an hour. Including creating the page, the links, the logo...well everything about it really. 

I hope it helps people out, but as I said before, I'm approaching each project as if I may be the only person participating. I've gotten a great number of submissions already for the first task, which I was not expecting at all. I imagine it might drop slightly, or go up and down throughout the year depending on the task. I can easily see things that appear more fun to gain more traction as opposed to things that more closely resemble traditional studying. 

I just need to really work on my skills. I feel like I should be better than I am. I think everyone does, which is why we try to work at what we feel is lacking. At the same time I need to learn that what I have in life is just that, appreciate it while I got it!

There's some other helpful stuff I have posted on the tumblr now as well, such as a Submission Guide, FAQ, and theres an Introduction post. I'm crazy excited about this thing, and will do my best to keep up with it. I may need help in the future, and actually, I have received a lot of feedback already that's helped me a great deal.

The journey to expand one's mind continues as ever. I'm feeling much better these days, but there's a fleeting anxiety that is still pulling a few nerves.