Trying

The feeling keeps coming back. Despite my efforts to "build a new me" rather than go back to the days of old. For some reason I'm still struggling. Some days things feel like it's getting easier, but there are other days where even menial tasks feel difficult and unrewarding. It's almost as if my mind is suddenly geared towards efficiency, but my body is just not receptive. And because of that, I feel discouraged from doing the simplest of things in a timely manner. When these things aren't completed I feel sudden dread. Irresponsible, and fairly worthless. I'm realising more and more how complicated emotions can be. That there are no simple answers (or perhaps there is and I've made everything some sort of intricate puzzle for absolutely no reason), and it's still hard to figure out what makes me feel bad, or what I lack because I feel bad. I think bad is also a very loose term. Sometimes I feel dreadful, but I just can't always say this, in fact I don't think I've said that to anyone, or even yet still, if I had, I may have sad it when I wasn't feeling this particular kind of dreadfulness. Sometimes I feel slightly sad; this is when I perhaps wish things were as they were maybe? Or that things are slightly out of reach and control. Sometimes I feel anxious. Not knowing what to do, when to do it, should I be doing this or that. There's this great mix. A tank of these piranhas, some large, some small, and they nip and bite and swim around. Sometimes they swim away but perhaps they will be hungry again later. I may be making it sound slightly more dramatic than how it really is.

I'm not thinking that I should never feel these things. I think its healthy and almost even necessary to feel these things. But sometimes the wave is so massive, it clouds everything. I can't see anything else beyond it, and any sand castles I had built beforehand have now melted away  When I'm suddenly free of this gripping and crippling feeling, I'm quite happy to go about my business, ready to rebuild and look at life in some other quadrillionth "new perspective". I seem to keep tricking myself. Thinking I've defeated the beast. Perhaps what I need to do now is just realise what I feel will never ever go away. 

For the rest of eternity I will feel like this.

Constantly.

I don't want to though  Just thinking I might be stuck like this is enough to call it quits. Maybe if I can face the music I can stop fooling myself and just accept this thing as the default, and that feeling otherwise is just an occurrence. Maybe feeling this way is normal, and the other is the exception.

I don't know. I don't even know who I'm talking to. My self I guess.

What's that saying. Fake it till you make it?

Does that work for feelings too?

Convoluted

I've been commissioned for two pencil works, and the commissioner said I could do whatever I wished. I haven't drawn mermaids for about 12 years (as far as I remember). I've been wanting to draw one for ages now, and I finally had my chance. It was very strange. A lot of memories from my adolescent and pre-teen years has resurfaced. 

We watched Star Trek Voyager again today. At the end of the episode Kess says to Tuvok about how does she go back to "normal" and make what had happened to her seem like it never happened. Tuvok said she can't. That she would only adapt to her new self and that she is now changed forever and that all she could change now is her future.. That struck a chord. A lot of this blog I've been writing about how I want to get back to my old self. I've never really thought about building up a new self. 

The idea is eerily exciting and enchanting all the same.

The 52 of 2014

I'm a bit late writing here, but it's been a bit busy (my usual excuse). I've started an art study group. Named it "52 of 2014" or just "The52" for short. Basically, I'm making up tasks each week, and people do the task within the week and the ycan submit their work. I'm hoping groups of friend will do this together this way they can discuss and learn. I'm not really any kind of academic artist. I haven't been trained classically, so I'm mainly doing this for myself so that I am sure to push myself each week and learn the various areas of what can and will make my work better, make me work more proficiently, and express with a bit more clarity.

You can see the tumblr here:

www.the5-2.tumblr.com

I'm still fixing it up and trying to get all the kinks out of the whole thing but, I've started it sort of on a whim and haven't really had time to sit down and plan it out completely (I think I do this with most things in life). Anyway, the first task I had set out for everyone was to make a picture using only this pallet

depicting either sadness, uneasyness, or despair. Of course I misspelled despair and wrote "dispair", but I literally made everything up in about an hour. Including creating the page, the links, the logo...well everything about it really. 

I hope it helps people out, but as I said before, I'm approaching each project as if I may be the only person participating. I've gotten a great number of submissions already for the first task, which I was not expecting at all. I imagine it might drop slightly, or go up and down throughout the year depending on the task. I can easily see things that appear more fun to gain more traction as opposed to things that more closely resemble traditional studying. 

I just need to really work on my skills. I feel like I should be better than I am. I think everyone does, which is why we try to work at what we feel is lacking. At the same time I need to learn that what I have in life is just that, appreciate it while I got it!

There's some other helpful stuff I have posted on the tumblr now as well, such as a Submission Guide, FAQ, and theres an Introduction post. I'm crazy excited about this thing, and will do my best to keep up with it. I may need help in the future, and actually, I have received a lot of feedback already that's helped me a great deal.

The journey to expand one's mind continues as ever. I'm feeling much better these days, but there's a fleeting anxiety that is still pulling a few nerves.

From My Thoughts to Your Thoughts

Just finished this speed paint for a lovely lady who goes by Elissinia. This was actually a companion piece to the one below.

Both were incredibly fun to work on. I had to really curb my time spent on either.. And I had actually worked on these about a month or two apart, so I found it a little bit difficult trying to make sure I kept the consistency. I typically have a difficult time doing companion pieces purposely already, but I think I pulled it off.

Christmas has just passed. and I almost forgot to post the Christmas cards I worked on! You can see them on my tumblr.

I actually didn't feel all that in the modd for Christmas this year, which was strange for me because I'm usually alll about getting into the holiday spirits regardless how big or small it is. But I just wasn't feeling it. I spent most of the morning lying in bed not wanting to get up and get out, or even see Tom's parents. I just thought about my own family a lot. How much I missed them and all and how things just weren't ever going to be the same again. I'm surprised at how difficult its been for me to accept change, especially since it's changes that I had made myself. I've had to take so much time thinking and what feels almost like recalibrating my brain to my life and surroundings around me. I think I got caught up in a lot of things I just didn't care about before. I don't go out for the long walks that I use to, I spend a lot of time indoors. BUt I just can't afford to go out anywhere. Not just because of money but time as well.

I sometimes feel that perhaps I am indeed worrying too much, and others I feel I just am not worrying enough or that I'm trying to avoid responsibility and adult hood. These last few weeks were awful. Everyday felt like a struggle just to get out of bed, despite my finally reaching some of my goals for this year. I've come a long way. I've learned so much in such a short span of time. For whatever reason, all my achievements have been glazed over and forgotten by new goals and some sort of journey to "do better faster". I'm not sure if it's being overwhelmed, or being lethargic, trying to keep up with the pace I've set out for myself. We've all seen the various videos and gifs of that one guy who puts the treadmill on too fast and stumbles right on his ass. Part of me doesn't know if I should get up and run away with whatever dignity I have left, or try and get back on. Perhaps eventually I'll be able to master the way of the treadmill, learn to dance a long side it and become friends with it, rather than think of it as a battle against it....

I hope these links work years later so that I may remember the moment I explained my emotions with a set of treadmill gifs.

Anyway. I've not got much time but I have been feeling much better today. I've been thinking about things differently. Learning to tame my cycle of life and emotions and so on. Trying to further understand myself in an attempt to reach a peace that I once had...I think that's what I'm trying to do anyway.

Life is strange like. I've also started doing a Vulcan meditation thing that came up in Star Trek Voyager. Tuvok mentions it in one episode, and it seemed ingenious. To my surprise, it's helped. I'll have to dig a bit deeper and understand why something so simple has helped so drastictally, but I think I'll be able to with a bit more time. 

Also, I've made a wallpaper for the two pictures

You can get them here :

Izar and Alter.

Suffice to say, Christmas was far better than I anticipated and I still have so very much to learn.

Mice

I have slowly been working on ANDRO✰ again (I might have said already) and tonight I felt like drawing a little thing of Luke. I really like him as a character, with his honesty and sincerity. The main reason I included him in ANDRO✰ as a character is because he is a derivative from the same story in which Andro's character derives from. I thought it would be funny to have both of them in a story completely out of context in which they originally belonged. At first I wasn't sure how it was going to work, as I don't normally have anthropomorphic characters. I wasn't sure how I was going to make him actually -physically- work with the other characters as they were more nimble and be easier to manipulate. I decided to take the challenge though, and now that I've added him, he seems almost like a necessity. 

I think his clear continence and and friendly (almost naive) approach makes a good contrast to Andro's brash and sometimes grating behaviour. Well, I hope so anyway.

I'm should have an update ready by January. There's been quite a lot of work for me to do lately, which I am grateful for. At the same time I feel stressed, not sure if I'm doing the work quick enough. I don't like keeping my commissioners waiting, and I feel slightly overwhelmed.. In a way that I'm trying to make sure I'm saying the right things all the time, and that I'm not being to hasty with people or slacking on my work.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really going in the right direction. I've made so much progress this year, but I know there's still a lot of work and hardships ahead. Perhaps one day I'll look back to this time and reminisce about how hard I was working for a time when I had it so easy....fingers crossed.

C418 - Mice on Venus

It's so late. I'm tired. I should be in bed...I also need to start re-reading these before I post. I think my writing has been pretty jumbled lately. Probably due to the lack of a clear mind.

Robo

Christmas is like...two weeks away. I got most of my Christmas shopping done, but still have a lot of work that needs doing before then. So really...I should be working now rather than writing this so I will keep it short.

A few weeks back (maybe a month or so?) I was talking about making Robo Adoptables. 

The idea of adoptables in itself is already pretty convoluted, and my original plan seem to make it even more confusing than before. Essentially adoptables were character designs that you could buy to use as you wanted for personal use (so not to make money off the design or anything). I thought it would be a fun idea because i really love sci-fi things, even if I don't draw them very often, and I wanted to introduce people into designing their own...in a way. I thought perhaps, if I were to create something like a robo -for- my clients , they would then go on to draw said character, either further design them, or come up with more on their own.

So when people buy a custom robo from me, they would get a variety of "parts" in which they could swap around if they likes. I wanted to do it as a sort of blue print, but when I started on one for myself, it just didn't translate very well and basically felt a bit empty. So the very top one is a test run on how I would like to present the works to my client. Thanks to Norree who has kindly been my guinea pig, and will be helping me with how things will go.

I've got two other outfits to design for that particular one, and then I will be opening up officially for these kinds of commissions. I'd like for this to really grow into something more, but there is a lot of planning that needs to be done before hand. Baby steps....

Alright I have a million bazillion things to do so I better go like, NOW.

Christmas Is Coming

So I managed to get a preview done of how I will do the Christmas commissions. I'm hoping they go down well but I will admit I'm a bit worried. I always am when I open for commissions. I always get the feeling that they won't go down so well or that people will tire of me. But this is my only source of income now so I really need to push....or perhaps I need to learn how to pull. 

Here's a copy/paste of the info on how the commissions work : 

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I have decided to do Christmas themed commissions this year as well , using the 12 Days of Christmas!

How it Works:

You give me the character you would like drawn, and I will put them in one of the scenarios of the 12 days (eg as a maid o’ milkin, or you know, drummer boy).

As you can see here, Andro is appreciating a lovely partridge given to him whilst standing next to a pear tree.

There are only 11 slots available.

Each commission comes with a printable 5.5 square inch PSD file, so that you may make cards and send them on their merry way.

They should all be finished before Christmas.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to send your best buddy a card with -their- favourite character on it? You bet your ass it would.

How to contact Me:

You can either on tumblr, note me on dA , or email me at c.bedfordart@gmail.com. I reply to every message, so if for whatever reason I do not respond in 24 hours, please use one of the other methods to contact me.

Oh man, I just need to say, Happy Thanksgiving to all you out there across the great pond. And get ready for Christmas.

Have some glamorous Christmas shopping music : 

Soil&’PIMP’ Sessions - My Foolish Heart

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I sometimes think perhaps I try to put too many ribbons and bows aroung my presentation but I really enjoy dressing things up. I think maybe I could get better, and be less over the top, but that's something that comes with practice.

Anyway I hope someone buys one! Time for some sleep.....