Touchy!

Wow a lot has gone down since I last wrote, and by a lot I mean not that much!

I did go to America for a month this past November and have seen family that I haven't seen for 5 years (and these were people I use to see every single day). The trip has definitely invigorated me; and even though my return has been one hell of a rocky road I'm feeling more confident and a live that I have done for some time. 

I suppose with me keeping busy I've felt little time to write but I do enjoy coming back to this blog simply because of it's age and how dear it's become over time. I especially like looking at old work. In fact I probably come so infrequently these days I probably start off each post with "gosh wow look at that old art geeze". But really, I feel like I continue to go in the right direction (though sometime times I'm like....am I really though?) but I feel the results speak for themselves. However small the results are, at least they are there.

Oh god I just checked the last few entries to see what was up and how dreadful! I will admit the anxiety still lingers and it's had its fair share of trouble recently, and more especially since I've been back, but I'm really desperate to bounce back.

I've started going to the gym, and its amazing. I feel great physically (though sore...but a good sore), and want to keep at it. It's something I've always wanted to do, so I've started doing it. I've been trying to make a habit of doing exactly what I want and nothing short of. It works sometimes, but I shall get better!

I was telling Tom just yesterday though that not every day needs to be a battle. Not every moment needs to be about self improvement. Sometimes things should just be.

With that I need to go make my commissions announcement and re-open for business!

Oh, and that picture is a commission as well, from a buddy who frequents my livestreams, I call them Big Tony. I have such wonderful commissioners without a doubt! And I've got prints ready of it as well.

I'll have to write more about my trip back home and all those magical revelations I've had!

V

A speed paint commission of Violet for Solice. I can't remember if I posted the previous one or not.

It is also Valentine's Day! It wasn't planned but I suppose the picture is fitting. They're very happy with it and it was ridiculously fun painting this. I've been having more erotic commissions as of late (not that I mind),but it's certainly exciting to work on them! More and more I recall the days where my siblings would tell me I'd never get paid for the kind of work I do. Ah well. Having to do these commissions have slowly been helping me with my self confidence though in a way.

I think I'm doing better. I'm balancing myself out. So today is a good day! It's really rainy and windy and horrible outside, but D and I have survived. I've had some hot chocolate; I found it in my cupboard. I think I got it for Christmas but must have forgotten all about it. It's a lovely one though; needs milk instead of water, but it has a nice rich flavour to it.

We'll be watching Big Trouble in Little China this evening. I haven't seen that movie for a long long time. I can barely remember a thing from it. It looks fantastic though, and we have toffee popcorn.

Well I best be off. I start work on my next big commission on Monday! Lots of armour in it, which will be fun to paint.

FKA twigs - Papi Pacify

High Key. Getit

I was trying to finish this for my weekly task thing. This week was to do a painting in high key and low key pallets. I've only just realised now that Andro looks both high, and is holding a key. I drew the initial sketch some time ago though.

Sometimes its nice and healthy to be really busy. I just wish I didn't feel really busy 100% of the time. I want to be able to sit down and relax without thinking "God damnit I'm wasting TIME!"

hu.

I tried finishing this for my 52 task, but this week I also helped do some little pixel things for one of Tom's projects. It was actually kind of fun and relaxing.... 

I'll try and finish the this picture sometime. In fact, I'll try and work on the comic sometime.

The Dream Coat

Commission of Joseph and the Coat of Many Colours. This one was quite interesting as the person approached me and I haven't spoken to them before at all. We did a lot of back and forth making sure it was perfectly to his liking. He managed to point out a fair few things that perhaps I would have over looked, or have missed, so it was nice having different perspective.

I try to keep in touch with most of my commissioners who go for larger works, as they're making an investment into something that will (hopefully) stay on their wall for a long while. It's really heart warming to know that someone want's my work and my visual depictions of something important to them in their personal space. Knowing this always makes me wish I could get to know each commissioner to the extent of a close friend, but this is both unreasonable and impractical. I do however, get to talk to them briefly through emails or via skype, and it's endearing, however brief of fleeting it is.

As far as how I feel...I've been feeling much better again. I think I realised that there are just going to be times where I feel bad again. It's natural. I just have to remember that because I've felt bad for a little while doesn't mean that I've lost all my progress. If I've climbed 20 feet up a ladder and went down one or two because I was scared for a moment...I'm still 18 feet high. I think I put things into weird analogies so that I can more easily remember the things I've taught myself later down the road. Like little sticky notes.

So yes I will sometimes feel bad. But that doesn't mean I've messed up or done something wrong.

I was reading the other day some feelings and opinions from people who have medication to help stabilise their moods and things and..it sounded quite painful. And I think even in my most painful hours it's not nearly quite as bad. I feel for them. I really do.

I'm trying more and more to do the things I actually want to do. I might have mentioned before. It's been working out okay. Sometimes it's still hard to get the motivation to go and do something that doesn't require me sitting in the house, but eventually it will be no problem.

There will be an alt version of the picture on my Tumblr soon, as I personally prefer him with long hair.

I have also recently come across FKA twigs, and I must say I'm eagerly awaiting more work.

FKA - How's That

I find it really relaxing.

Trying

The feeling keeps coming back. Despite my efforts to "build a new me" rather than go back to the days of old. For some reason I'm still struggling. Some days things feel like it's getting easier, but there are other days where even menial tasks feel difficult and unrewarding. It's almost as if my mind is suddenly geared towards efficiency, but my body is just not receptive. And because of that, I feel discouraged from doing the simplest of things in a timely manner. When these things aren't completed I feel sudden dread. Irresponsible, and fairly worthless. I'm realising more and more how complicated emotions can be. That there are no simple answers (or perhaps there is and I've made everything some sort of intricate puzzle for absolutely no reason), and it's still hard to figure out what makes me feel bad, or what I lack because I feel bad. I think bad is also a very loose term. Sometimes I feel dreadful, but I just can't always say this, in fact I don't think I've said that to anyone, or even yet still, if I had, I may have sad it when I wasn't feeling this particular kind of dreadfulness. Sometimes I feel slightly sad; this is when I perhaps wish things were as they were maybe? Or that things are slightly out of reach and control. Sometimes I feel anxious. Not knowing what to do, when to do it, should I be doing this or that. There's this great mix. A tank of these piranhas, some large, some small, and they nip and bite and swim around. Sometimes they swim away but perhaps they will be hungry again later. I may be making it sound slightly more dramatic than how it really is.

I'm not thinking that I should never feel these things. I think its healthy and almost even necessary to feel these things. But sometimes the wave is so massive, it clouds everything. I can't see anything else beyond it, and any sand castles I had built beforehand have now melted away  When I'm suddenly free of this gripping and crippling feeling, I'm quite happy to go about my business, ready to rebuild and look at life in some other quadrillionth "new perspective". I seem to keep tricking myself. Thinking I've defeated the beast. Perhaps what I need to do now is just realise what I feel will never ever go away. 

For the rest of eternity I will feel like this.

Constantly.

I don't want to though  Just thinking I might be stuck like this is enough to call it quits. Maybe if I can face the music I can stop fooling myself and just accept this thing as the default, and that feeling otherwise is just an occurrence. Maybe feeling this way is normal, and the other is the exception.

I don't know. I don't even know who I'm talking to. My self I guess.

What's that saying. Fake it till you make it?

Does that work for feelings too?

Convoluted

I've been commissioned for two pencil works, and the commissioner said I could do whatever I wished. I haven't drawn mermaids for about 12 years (as far as I remember). I've been wanting to draw one for ages now, and I finally had my chance. It was very strange. A lot of memories from my adolescent and pre-teen years has resurfaced. 

We watched Star Trek Voyager again today. At the end of the episode Kess says to Tuvok about how does she go back to "normal" and make what had happened to her seem like it never happened. Tuvok said she can't. That she would only adapt to her new self and that she is now changed forever and that all she could change now is her future.. That struck a chord. A lot of this blog I've been writing about how I want to get back to my old self. I've never really thought about building up a new self. 

The idea is eerily exciting and enchanting all the same.

The 52 of 2014

I'm a bit late writing here, but it's been a bit busy (my usual excuse). I've started an art study group. Named it "52 of 2014" or just "The52" for short. Basically, I'm making up tasks each week, and people do the task within the week and the ycan submit their work. I'm hoping groups of friend will do this together this way they can discuss and learn. I'm not really any kind of academic artist. I haven't been trained classically, so I'm mainly doing this for myself so that I am sure to push myself each week and learn the various areas of what can and will make my work better, make me work more proficiently, and express with a bit more clarity.

You can see the tumblr here:

www.the5-2.tumblr.com

I'm still fixing it up and trying to get all the kinks out of the whole thing but, I've started it sort of on a whim and haven't really had time to sit down and plan it out completely (I think I do this with most things in life). Anyway, the first task I had set out for everyone was to make a picture using only this pallet

depicting either sadness, uneasyness, or despair. Of course I misspelled despair and wrote "dispair", but I literally made everything up in about an hour. Including creating the page, the links, the logo...well everything about it really. 

I hope it helps people out, but as I said before, I'm approaching each project as if I may be the only person participating. I've gotten a great number of submissions already for the first task, which I was not expecting at all. I imagine it might drop slightly, or go up and down throughout the year depending on the task. I can easily see things that appear more fun to gain more traction as opposed to things that more closely resemble traditional studying. 

I just need to really work on my skills. I feel like I should be better than I am. I think everyone does, which is why we try to work at what we feel is lacking. At the same time I need to learn that what I have in life is just that, appreciate it while I got it!

There's some other helpful stuff I have posted on the tumblr now as well, such as a Submission Guide, FAQ, and theres an Introduction post. I'm crazy excited about this thing, and will do my best to keep up with it. I may need help in the future, and actually, I have received a lot of feedback already that's helped me a great deal.

The journey to expand one's mind continues as ever. I'm feeling much better these days, but there's a fleeting anxiety that is still pulling a few nerves.